My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
