so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
