Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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