As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
