he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
