I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
