that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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