I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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