So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
