it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize