Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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