i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
