don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize