Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
