I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize