I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
