just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
