woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
