How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
