Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
