Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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