Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
