I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
