i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
