btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
