he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
