In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
