Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
