Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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