a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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