Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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