it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
