I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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