Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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