the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
