gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
