I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
