so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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