Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
