i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
