Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
