my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
