My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
