Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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