No stitches, just platelets and will power
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
