My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
