he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
your like the ambassador to my penis.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
