My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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