So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
