I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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