if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
