you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
