I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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