Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
