At least make sure they are 18
Why
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
