My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
