Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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