He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
